Recovery means living again
For many years I had been getting by, just about! I stumbled and fell from one destructive roller-coaster of a relationship to another each time this one would solve 'the problem' each time finding out the the woman I was involved with had major flaws and wanted too much attention not enough sex and gave me no space. Not surprising as I had been 'acting out' - the term used for inappropriate/unhealthy sexual or emotional behaviour - with pornography, other women, masturbation. So no real surprise that I had no space I had been involved in a relationship since I was a teenager with masturbation, fantasy and porn.
Always needing a little more
I thought that I was very special and nobody would really 'get it', nobody would even meet my needs or have the same experiences as me. I had held onto nasty bad experiences I had as a child and teenager to point to my specialness, of course I would be different to others and anyway as I had not had a happy time when younger it was completely understandable that I would not fit in in with the 'repressed' attitudes of others. I gave myself a complete pass on things like telling the truth in relationships... "everyone lies don't they?", "If only I could take the looks of her, the attitude of her and the drive of this other woman - then I'd be happy". But since that was not going to happen - I 'supplemented relationships with fantasy, pornography or by being involved with multiple women simultaneously'.
For many years I was not even aware that these behaviours were harming me in any way. Sure nobody knew about them. It was not until I was 37 that it all caught up with me. The relationship breakups I could handle - sure it was what was missing in them that had made it break up. And either I had started another before this one ended so that I had a ready supply of attention for myself, sex and would not have to worry about being alone, or I was already so far into another relationship that it did not really seem such a loss, this would give me more time to be with the other person because they were most likely 'the one'.
Even when a woman seemed like 'the one' I was using pornography and masturbation to fill the gaps, because I could not wait and would not allow someone else 'dictate' how I was going to behave or when I would get what I wanted, anyway pornography and fantasy does not need any real attention and the release was always there for me - me alone! As I got older and the use of pornography went from a stopgap to a daily event, it crept over into work, having an office to myself and being reasonably good with a computer I could easily spend a couple of hours in a trance at the machine. I did not care about leaving a trail behind, all that mattered was having some time to myself, there were just too many demands on me all the time and this was a relaxation for me.
Burnt Out
I hit a wall of unmanageability, I had broken up with one woman but was still sleeping with her. Another woman I had a fling with to get over the recent split-up informed me she was pregnant and the new relationship I was trying to get off the ground was a little shaky - poor me... did this new woman not know all the effort I was going to to keep this new relationship going?! With that, for the next few months my life was I was running beyond empty - it turned out I was not to be a father, false alarm. And all my juggling with the newest woman in my life was paying off but she wanted more commitment - yet I was exhausted from running about and trying, as I saw it then, to keep everybody happy. So we broke up.
I was 37 and had not had more than a 2-month stretch in my life since I was 15 that I was not going out or in of a relationship with someone (or possibly two!), and now I was all alone. I spiralled out of control, into porn and chasing any woman I could... I ended up with women I would not genuinely like for either the company or sex and had affairs with work colleagues - for almost 10 months I spun out and around with about 2 hours sleep a night - the Internet is always available!
By the time I got into counselling and finally made the call to S.L.A.A. I was not alive, not a real person any more .... just slumping from one 'romantic' episode to all night pornography sessions, to another investment of phone calls or face-to-face flirting for another possible 'partner'. All to the detriment to having any real friends or contact with my family.
Fellowship
I was met by two members of S.L.A.A., in a local hotel coffee-dock and was told how the fellowship and process worked. The first few meetings were a great comfort - to sit amongst other human beings and be at some ease - I had lived by myself for 5 years at this stage and had long lost contact with any real friends. I was shocked at how open everyone was at the meetings - telling there stories, yet the others did not jump in to tell them how bad they were or to judge them or shun them. This was different to the family I had grown up in which was heavily based on criticism and secrecy.
Through the weeks I began to open up, I went to 2/3 meetings a week for the next 3 months or so, each time getting a little more open and staying back for a chat or coffee after the meeting and getting to know these people who all seemed so much better off than me, and they where really facing up to the issues of sex and love addiction As I opened up and talked more - got phone numbers and rang other members when I felt like going back into old behaviours I found a peace settling in me. I found an acceptance too, that this was real and it needed effort on my part to deal with the addiction. With that, I approached a more seasoned member to be my sponsor and help be 'do the steps'. I was lucky, and was able to write and read the steps with this member and finally get my behaviour out in the open and say truthfully how I felt. With the structure of the 12 Steps I found a ready guide when I was feeling low or tired, I found a different way of framing difficulties and most importantly a way for me to be responsible for myself, truly responsible in a mature way - not the general manager of the universe but looking after myself and being respectful of others at the same time.
I won't kid that the process was not scary at times, that it was not tough leaving behind behaviours that blot out painful or stressful times. But with the support of the members of S.L.A.A. I am living each day in a calm way. I now have taken up roles in the fellowship that allow me to participate and give back. If have run meetings, met newcomers and been a sponsor myself. For me the process was not an over-night change - it took time - but it had also taken time to build up all those different ways of mishandling difficulties and stresses in life.
Recovery
Recovery to me means living, not in a restricted way denying myself things, but living more fully and at ease with myself. It means getting up in the morning to a new day and looking forward to what it may bring, not crawling out of the bed and hoping to get away with it for another day - or hoping nobody noticed what I did. It means having friends, real friends who I accept as they are and they accept me warts and all. It means having a relationship with my wife that is honest and deep. It means having something to brush things off when deciding on which action or choice to take. It means hope, not fear or anger. It means I'm more of a person, more of an adult and more of myself each day - without it being overwhelming, but being something I appreciate. It means feeling and expressing gratitude for all the great things in my life. It means allowing myself to enjoy today, the opportunities I have in work, my family and time with them by really being there not just in body.
Patrick, Dublin , Ireland
Always needing a little more
I thought that I was very special and nobody would really 'get it', nobody would even meet my needs or have the same experiences as me. I had held onto nasty bad experiences I had as a child and teenager to point to my specialness, of course I would be different to others and anyway as I had not had a happy time when younger it was completely understandable that I would not fit in in with the 'repressed' attitudes of others. I gave myself a complete pass on things like telling the truth in relationships... "everyone lies don't they?", "If only I could take the looks of her, the attitude of her and the drive of this other woman - then I'd be happy". But since that was not going to happen - I 'supplemented relationships with fantasy, pornography or by being involved with multiple women simultaneously'.
For many years I was not even aware that these behaviours were harming me in any way. Sure nobody knew about them. It was not until I was 37 that it all caught up with me. The relationship breakups I could handle - sure it was what was missing in them that had made it break up. And either I had started another before this one ended so that I had a ready supply of attention for myself, sex and would not have to worry about being alone, or I was already so far into another relationship that it did not really seem such a loss, this would give me more time to be with the other person because they were most likely 'the one'.
Even when a woman seemed like 'the one' I was using pornography and masturbation to fill the gaps, because I could not wait and would not allow someone else 'dictate' how I was going to behave or when I would get what I wanted, anyway pornography and fantasy does not need any real attention and the release was always there for me - me alone! As I got older and the use of pornography went from a stopgap to a daily event, it crept over into work, having an office to myself and being reasonably good with a computer I could easily spend a couple of hours in a trance at the machine. I did not care about leaving a trail behind, all that mattered was having some time to myself, there were just too many demands on me all the time and this was a relaxation for me.
Burnt Out
I hit a wall of unmanageability, I had broken up with one woman but was still sleeping with her. Another woman I had a fling with to get over the recent split-up informed me she was pregnant and the new relationship I was trying to get off the ground was a little shaky - poor me... did this new woman not know all the effort I was going to to keep this new relationship going?! With that, for the next few months my life was I was running beyond empty - it turned out I was not to be a father, false alarm. And all my juggling with the newest woman in my life was paying off but she wanted more commitment - yet I was exhausted from running about and trying, as I saw it then, to keep everybody happy. So we broke up.
I was 37 and had not had more than a 2-month stretch in my life since I was 15 that I was not going out or in of a relationship with someone (or possibly two!), and now I was all alone. I spiralled out of control, into porn and chasing any woman I could... I ended up with women I would not genuinely like for either the company or sex and had affairs with work colleagues - for almost 10 months I spun out and around with about 2 hours sleep a night - the Internet is always available!
By the time I got into counselling and finally made the call to S.L.A.A. I was not alive, not a real person any more .... just slumping from one 'romantic' episode to all night pornography sessions, to another investment of phone calls or face-to-face flirting for another possible 'partner'. All to the detriment to having any real friends or contact with my family.
Fellowship
I was met by two members of S.L.A.A., in a local hotel coffee-dock and was told how the fellowship and process worked. The first few meetings were a great comfort - to sit amongst other human beings and be at some ease - I had lived by myself for 5 years at this stage and had long lost contact with any real friends. I was shocked at how open everyone was at the meetings - telling there stories, yet the others did not jump in to tell them how bad they were or to judge them or shun them. This was different to the family I had grown up in which was heavily based on criticism and secrecy.
Through the weeks I began to open up, I went to 2/3 meetings a week for the next 3 months or so, each time getting a little more open and staying back for a chat or coffee after the meeting and getting to know these people who all seemed so much better off than me, and they where really facing up to the issues of sex and love addiction As I opened up and talked more - got phone numbers and rang other members when I felt like going back into old behaviours I found a peace settling in me. I found an acceptance too, that this was real and it needed effort on my part to deal with the addiction. With that, I approached a more seasoned member to be my sponsor and help be 'do the steps'. I was lucky, and was able to write and read the steps with this member and finally get my behaviour out in the open and say truthfully how I felt. With the structure of the 12 Steps I found a ready guide when I was feeling low or tired, I found a different way of framing difficulties and most importantly a way for me to be responsible for myself, truly responsible in a mature way - not the general manager of the universe but looking after myself and being respectful of others at the same time.
I won't kid that the process was not scary at times, that it was not tough leaving behind behaviours that blot out painful or stressful times. But with the support of the members of S.L.A.A. I am living each day in a calm way. I now have taken up roles in the fellowship that allow me to participate and give back. If have run meetings, met newcomers and been a sponsor myself. For me the process was not an over-night change - it took time - but it had also taken time to build up all those different ways of mishandling difficulties and stresses in life.
Recovery
Recovery to me means living, not in a restricted way denying myself things, but living more fully and at ease with myself. It means getting up in the morning to a new day and looking forward to what it may bring, not crawling out of the bed and hoping to get away with it for another day - or hoping nobody noticed what I did. It means having friends, real friends who I accept as they are and they accept me warts and all. It means having a relationship with my wife that is honest and deep. It means having something to brush things off when deciding on which action or choice to take. It means hope, not fear or anger. It means I'm more of a person, more of an adult and more of myself each day - without it being overwhelming, but being something I appreciate. It means feeling and expressing gratitude for all the great things in my life. It means allowing myself to enjoy today, the opportunities I have in work, my family and time with them by really being there not just in body.
Patrick, Dublin , Ireland
